When you see someone in the midst of an addiction, it’s so easy for an outsider to wonder why the person doesn’t just get help. It seems the obvious solution but sadly, addiction just isn’t that simple.
Millions of people suffer from a dependency in Canada but only a small percentage will ever enter rehab. The reason for this is because addiction is complex, deeply personal and often, there are a number of reasons why a person may not want help.
They’re not ready to stop
It takes a lot of determination, motivation and courage to get help for a sex addiction. Many of those suffering are put off by the fears they may have about entering rehab. From being afraid of admitting their problem to friends and family or losing their job to worrying about the detoxification and withdrawal process and facing a lifetime of never being able to carry out the very behaviors they’re addicted to.
One of the main reasons people are reluctant to seek help for sex addiction is because they don’t want to give up the high they get from it. They’re so wrapped up in how good they feel and so addicted to the high, they can’t imagine living without it even if it is causing harm to their physical or mental health, family, relationships and career.
Practical reasons
There are a number of practical reasons which may be stopping someone from getting help for a sexual addiction:
- They may have no health coverage and therefore worry they won’t be able to afford it
- They might not know where they can go for treatment
- They may not have any transport to get to where they need to go
- They could worry that treatment will interfere with their job
They’re concerned about the stigma associated with sex addiction
Although as a society we understand much more about addiction and mental health, there is still a stigma attached to it. Because of this, some people may fear what other people will think of them if they do seek treatment. This is especially the case for certain professions – if you’re a teacher for example, you may fear what the parents of your pupils will think of you if the truth comes out.
They think they can handle sex addiction without treatment
Even someone in the depths of a sexual addiction knows deep down that it won’t resolve itself. Despite this however, it’s not uncommon for sufferers to hope that the addiction will resolve itself or go away.
This form of self-delusion is similar to denial but can actually be very dangerous as the person realizes they can’t give up their addictive behaviors, plunging them even further into despair.
They don’t think they need treatment for sex addiction
This is a big one and as with any addiction, it’s often not until a person hits rock bottom that they realize they need help.
Denial is one of the biggest reasons people don’t enter therapy for sex addiction. It’s hard for us to accept when we have a problem and often, the person may be so entrenched in their habit that they simply can’t accept its existence.
Men in particular tend to find it difficult to admit they need help due to control issues and would rather deny having a problem than admit they don’t have everything under control. This is often the case for those who are the main financial provider in a household because they feel they have to hold everything together for the sake of the family.
They don’t believe sex addiction treatment can help
It’s not uncommon for someone with a sex addiction to feel they’re beyond help. They may think that after years of addictive behaviors, nothing can possibly make a difference. Those with co-occurring mental health issues (which is incredibly common with sexual addiction) can feel particularly hopeless.
They may also think that after years of hurting and alienating loved ones, that they’ve burnt their bridges and nobody cares. Since there’s nobody to care whether they get better or not, why bother? Lack of family or other support is a big issue not only in the refusal to get help, but also among those who have had treatment because they’re more likely to relapse as a result.
They’ve hit rock bottom
Most people who do enter sex addiction therapy in Toronto have done so because they’ve hit rock bottom. Unfortunately however, when someone is at their lowest possible point, it’s incredibly difficult for them to see light at the end of the tunnel.
Having lost all hope, with nobody to care, they may not see the point in trying to turn their lives around.
What to do when a loved one won’t get help for sex addiction
If you’re looking for help for sex addiction in Toronto but the person you care about is refusing, there are a number of things you can do.
Educate yourself
It’s important that you educate yourself as much as possible about addiction so you can understand what the person is going through and why they might be refusing help. It’s also crucial to understand that with sex addiction in particular, there’s usually quite a harrowing reason for the addiction occurring in the first place.
Another key thing is to learn how to recognize the signs that an addiction may be present:
- They have become preoccupied with or are always craving sex. As a result, they may spend considerable time on activities related to sex such as looking for potential partners, visiting pornographic websites and frequenting venues where this type of behavior is encouraged. Naturally, the person will have become increasingly secretive about their whereabouts and they may also try to hide bank statements or be unable to explain where their money has gone.
- Their sexual behavior is becoming increasingly extreme and they may be unable to resist the urge to carry out sexual activities. For example, they may pay for sex, participate in sadistic or masochistic behavior, show behaviors of exhibition or voyeurism, have one night stands or suggest you attend sex parties.
- They’re neglecting responsibilities such as work and family in pursuit of sex.
- They continue to engage in sexual behaviors despite the negative consequences.
- They become irritable when unable to engage in the desired behavior.
- Many studies have also found that the overwhelming majority of those who suffer from sexual addiction have at least one other addictive behavior such as alcohol, drugs, nicotine or even work. They may also suffer from other psychological disorders such as OCD, impulse control disorders such as kleptomania, pyromania and gambling and even eating disorders.
- They’re unwilling to hear you out – if your partner shuts you down or gets incredibly angry or defensive every time you try to speak to them about your concerns, this could be a sign of a problem.
Be honest
As scary as it might be, explain calmly to the person that you think they might have a problem. Make it clear you are there to support them, not judge them or cut them off.
Offer your support
Facing up to an addiction is extremely difficult and the person suffering is probably worried they’re going to have to do it all on their own. Offer your support wherever you can – whether it’s helping them to research the problem, attending medical appointments with them or simply being a shoulder to cry on when they need it – even if it isn’t appreciated at the time, the more support a person has, the more likely they are to recover.
Be understanding
No matter how much you’re told your help isn’t wanted or needed, it really is. Relapse is also very common and while it’s natural to get to a point where you feel like you have to walk away, understanding the complexities of addiction is very important if you’re trying to help someone overcome it.
Don’t enable them
On the other hand, it’s also important that you’re not enabling the addiction. The longer an addiction goes on, the harder it is to hold down a job which means that the person may start to struggle financially. By lending them money or helping them to pay their bills, you’re enabling them to continue their addiction.
Naturally you don’t want to upset the person you love who is already feeling fragile and you may worry that saying no might make them angry. Instead of being confrontational about the matter, if they ask to borrow money, simply apologize and say that things are also tight for you financially at the moment and you simply can’t afford to help them.
Don’t use guilt
It’s very easy to want to offer an ultimatum and lecture or guilt an addicted individual into stopping their behavior. Under no circumstances should you attempt to guilt them into quitting their addiction however. Phrases like “how could you do this to me?” or anything that will garner guilt and/or shame can actually spiral the person further into addiction.
Enlist others
Although you don’t want to make it seem like you’re ganging up on the person, if you can get other friends and family involved in the intervention, it may help the person to see that they really do have a problem.
Chances are that this is going to be an emotional conversation but try to stay calm, don’t argue with the person and be prepared for them to be in denial.
Make a commitment
Unfortunately, very few addicts recover by themselves – they will need professional help. Don’t accept claims that they will simply stop because that’s not how addiction works. Offer to go with them to their doctor or have some names of counsellors ready to present to them.
Get help for yourself
If you’re the partner of someone suffering with a sexual addiction, you’re likely to be trying to come to terms with your own traumas.
As well as dealing with the fact that your partner has the addiction, you also need to cope with the consequences of their actions and the hurt they have caused. Counselling can help you to deal with infidelity and learn forgiveness and how to trust again.
It’s very common for partners of sex addicts to start to doubt themselves. You will question whether or not this happened because you’re not attractive enough, you’re not good enough or not exciting enough. Sadly, this is when self-loathing starts to form and this alone can take a huge toll on your mental health.
Counselling not only helps you to understand what your partner is going through but it also enables you to get through the recovery process whilst maintaining a healthy mind.
What you shouldn’t do:
- Don’t preach, punish or bribe the person (I will leave you if you don’t stop) because this could drive them to engage in the damaging behaviors even more
- Avoid emotional appeals that may only increase feelings of guilt (our child’s school work is suffering because of your addiction)
- Don’t cover up or make excuses for them. Shielding them from the consequences of addiction makes them less likely to face up to their problem
If you would like to speak to a sex addiction therapist in Toronto, please feel free to contact us in the strictest of confidence and we will be more than happy to help. You can also carry out the Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST – R) on our website which can be a helpful tool when it comes to determining whether or not you have an addiction.
